I ran across this link on Buzzfeed the other day: 25 Things All Basic White Girls Do in the Fall. I looked through it, and I am shocked to note that I don’t do any of those things. Now I’m distressed! Am I not white? Am I not a girl? Am I not basic?! What does “basic” even mean? Why can’t I identify with the items of this list? Is it because I live in California, and it’s a lot less satisfying to fling crap from a pepper tree up in the air, compared to the brilliant red-gold leaves of whatever trees they’re Instagramming back east? Is it because I’d rather eat mealworms in Miracle Whip than any of the food marketed as Pumpkin Spice?
This list is clearly an unsatisfactory representation of my experiences as a white girl in the fall, so I will provide you with an alternative list.
25 Things All Basic White Girls Do in the Fall, if they are Meagan
1. Go to Colorado.
Spend the entire time whining about how Colorado is much better than California, in between whining about how much you miss California.
2. Borrow Josh’s hoodies when the weather drops below 70 degrees.
Never give the hoodies back. They are your hoodies now. Forever.
M: I need you to take a picture with me.
J: What? Right now? I have mad scientist hair. I need a hat.
M: The hoodie has to be in the picture. Look mildly disgruntled.
J: Why does it have to show the hoodie? We can’t do that, the angle is wrong.
M: Okay, we’ll take it in the mirror.
J: The phone in the picture is killing it. I can’t do that. That is some facebook selfie shit right there.
M: Then take it at arm’s length, but it has to show the hoodie!
M: I am making a blog post, this is super important!
3. Buy a crapload of tea at Teavana.
Claim you are a tea enthusiast, even though every hot beverage you make is coffee and a K-Cup.
4. Trial sheepdogs.
Lie down. Lie down! GET OUT OF THERE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING COMING IN HERE LIKE THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT’S NOT HOW YOU TALK TO SHEEP! Lie down.
5. Have a Friendcation.
Because there is no pleasure so deep and pure as consuming adult beverages with people who knew you when you had giant 90s glasses and bad hair.
6. Make New England Indian Pudding.
Woops, had this for over a year. It’s probably still good, right? Right?
Update: I made it. I’m not sure whether I dislike Indian Pudding, or I dislike Indian Pudding that was only good until August 2014. Maura, I’m sorry! I was saving it for a special occasion, and nothing was special enough until it was too late. This is also what happened with all of my favorite stickers as a child.
7. Mock your friends and family in climates with snow.
We have to do what we can to make ourselves feel better about how much rent we pay.
8. Watch The Corpse Bride.
Even though everybody else likes The Nightmare Before Christmas better.
9. Baked apples.
I love you and miss you, Grandma Tippie. You never got to meet Josh, but you’d approve of his baking!
10. Begin your annual search for the Perfect Ranch Gloves.
You are the Goldilocks of gloves. These gloves are too light. These gloves are too heavy. These gloves don’t work with my iPhone.
11. Carve a herding-themed pumpkin.
Wait until the last minute and then stay up late getting cranky, frustrated, and ultimately unsatisfied with the outcome. Paste that thing all over social media anyway. Bask in the glow of all the likes you harvest. When people express admiration, claim it’s easy to do.
12. Complain about how quickly Christmas merchandise appears in stores.
IT’S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
“Or else,” says Politically Active Mailbox Spider.
14. Plan the perfect Halloween costume.
Run out of time. Fail to coordinate solid plans. End up going out in a costume you already had. It’s always OK to be Indiana Jones.
15. Get tons of awesome Halloween candy for trick-or-treaters.
No trick-or-treaters appear. But you knew that when you bought the candy. Eat all the candy.
16. Dress up Indy.
Indy loves it!
17. Dress up Jet.
Jet is confused and upset.
18. Warm up your ice-cold feet on your toasty warm boyfriend.
He lets you. He’s the one.
Me: (taking photo) We need more light.
Josh: (has no idea why we’re doing this) You want my crusty bunions in the light?
19. Enjoy the annual hot, miserable Santa Ana winds.
Warn everyone to be on high bitch alert, because you hate moving air. Oh how you hate moving air, all the way down to the fiery depths of your very being.
20. Enjoy the beginning of Wet Dog Season.
21. Enjoy working sheep early on frosty fall mornings.
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
22. Start Christmas shopping.
Straight up make a spreadsheet for it because you’re going to be organized about it this year, start early, and get this DONE, by god. What an amazing spreadsheet this will be. Everyone is listed. It’s color coded. Prices, gifts, and potential gifts are tracked. Nothing is forgotten. You are going to run Christmas this year like Mussolini making those god damn trains run on time.
23. Abandon Christmas shopping, after experiencing frustration, panic, and despair, in that order.
Buy yourself a copy of Babe on blu-ray instead, to ease the pain. There’s still plenty of time until Christmas anyway, right?
24. Decide to make a clever Christmas Craft as a gift for everyone, because it will be cheap and thoughtful, like you are.
Spend more time and money on it than you ever would have on purchased gifts. Cry over it at least once.
25. Send out everyone’s Christmas gifts and crafts… the following fall.
(photo coming next fall. If you’re lucky.)
It’s the thought that counts, right?